So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
