I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
