She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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