I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
