i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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