I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I understand Curling. That high.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
