And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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