Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
