I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
