Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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