ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
