I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
