I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm always down for nudity.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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