As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sarcasm needs its own font
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
