Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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