Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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