If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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