apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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