I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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