Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My hand turned me down
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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