Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
