Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
