you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
