Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
