Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
