Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
