If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's rum buckets o'clock
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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