I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
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finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
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cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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