Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
