Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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