There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
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Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means