Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
