Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
