Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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