guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
