I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
