Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
