it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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