i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
