I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
