There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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