Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He better not be in your backpack
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
