There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
