standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
