I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize