Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
