yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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