Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
