You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
