I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
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I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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