God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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