Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
