I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I supernannyed him into submission
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
