Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
