I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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